He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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