i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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