I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
