Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
