I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
