I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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