I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize