Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
