Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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