It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
