I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
