Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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