my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
