wrigley field is MILF paradise
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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