And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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