no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I love you. Go after that dick
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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