I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize