just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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