Jerry, you need to find god
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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