he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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