You can't motorboat a personality
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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