You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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