i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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