We won't sleep together?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
