1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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