you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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