im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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