please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
