I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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