Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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