Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
