You work out of a Hotel?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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