I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
did i just pee glitter
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
