I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
