oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize