I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
