why didn't you poke me back
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
