My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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