..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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