I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
