why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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