life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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