Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
