he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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