he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
