I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I fill condoms, not promises.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
