i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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