just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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