Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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