Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
