I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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