my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
