Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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