Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
