Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
