____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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