He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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