Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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